mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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