i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
farters have to be the big spoon...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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