Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
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Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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