I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
