My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
