The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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