I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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