I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Two words: blizzard sex
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
