i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
