genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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