There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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