I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize