So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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