for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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