Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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