its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize