And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
