I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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