Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
