i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
either way he was missing a nipple.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
