one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
