my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Randomize
