My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
