I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize