someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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