Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
