Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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