I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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