The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
being pregnant is like rehab
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
