i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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