I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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