I smell stomach acid.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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