Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
