i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
