Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Two words: blizzard sex
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
