I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
