Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
