I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
