Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
