Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
