remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
