i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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