When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
