God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
