Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
