Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
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As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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