when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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