Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
tonight lets celebrate not being married
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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