I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
