dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
