Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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