You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
