When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
